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Monday, November 22, 2010

Girls Day In - The Do-It-Yourself Spa Experience

As a future bride, I am swamped with vendors wanting to give me a "deal" or "special price." Most of them call to tell me they are the best of the best in the area, only to hear that I'm having a luxurious destination wedding and I will not need their services. HA! Take that! 
My most recent ploy came from a Mary Kay consultant, claiming that I had won a spa day for me, my bridesmaids, and the mothers of the bride and groom. In fact, according to her, David's Bridal only picks one winner a month, and I was it. Fabulous! I never win anything, so you can imagine my excitement. As a future bride and mother of a one year old, boy did I need it.
So,  we set a tentative date and I sent the girls a Facebook message (this has replaced email, didn't you know?). After a few emails and phone calls from the darling consultant (still claiming I had been a winner), we set it in stone. It wasn't hard to convince the girls to come - it was a spa day after all. I guess the promise of brownies and mimosas didn’t hurt either.
The day finally arrived. Despite my better judgement (and my lack of serving trays), I pulled the Christmas china out. The table was set with ham biscuits on a dazzling snowflake plate, brownies sat atop a mistletoed platter, and the Cheez-It Snack Mix in a Christmas tree bowl.
A virgin to cheap champagne bottles (or any champagne bottle, for the matter), the popped plastic “cork” shot right at my forehead and champagne shot all over my counters, microwave and floor. I giggled, a virgin indeed. Coincidentally, the same thing happened with the GingerAle. I still laughed. Nothing like a good soda shower.
The orange juice and champagne was served in four red and green snowflaked wine glasses. The rest of us would have to settle for the plastic magic bullet cups with our personalized red and blue screw-on rims. (One of the best Christmas presents ever!)
The consultant arrived and set up our spa experience by placing MaryKay Christmas gift sets up on my living room side table. My long, micro-fiber couch would have to do for a table. “I can just squeeze everything in their hands,” she told me. The do-it-yourself spa experience. A first in my book.
First, I’ll show my guests how to put wax and an exfoliant on their hands, wash it off and add lotion. Instantly smooth hands. Amazing. “And only $34 for the entire set.” WOW!
“Now - use this cloth to dab your face and remove your make-up.” Are we having fun yet? Where’s my hot towel?
“This is our night time formula. I’m going to put a dab on the back of your hand and you’ll feel your skin tighten up.” Speaking of tight - how’s that tension in your shoulders?
“Here’s our daytime formula, and it even has SPF. Put it on your face in an upward-down motion.” I’m sorry, is that up or down? Aren’t you supposed to be doing this?
“Now we’ll determine your foundation. I’m going to come around to all of you to find your color. Just turn your neck to the side and I’ll test it.” Ok, yeah, testing my neck. I like the sound of that. Can you dab that foundation a little harder? Oh, that’s the spot.
Here comes that upward-down motion again. Really? Isn’t she supposed to be doing this? Can we at least get some cucumbers on our eyes? I knew I forgot something at the store.
Last, but not least, blush, liquid lipstick and lipgloss. Finally, something that releases some tension - a little color and glam. Now this - this I will use my free $25 gift certificate on for hosting the party. HA! Take that!
Oh - I forgot to mention the intriguing and intuitive purse game that we played throughout our little spa adventure. Grab your purse and see if you can identify things that start with these letters...
“Great. M stands for MaryKay - the founder of our company.” 
“Great. E stands for enriching women’s lives.”
“Great. S stands for social responsibility.”
OK - Enough!
OMG - Where is my pedicure?
OUCH - I thought this would get rid of my headache.
So maybe I’m over-exaggerating a little. I can’t say it was all that bad. I was with my girlfriends and we were drinking mimosas. We did get a kick out of the crazy colors that ended up on our faces. And a laugh out of the sales pitch that we were tricked into hearing - not just to buy the expensive “affordable” make-up, but to sell it too. The promise of a bright pink MaryKay Cadillac may have been tossed around - but only if you make it to a Sales Manager position - chances are slim to none. The “we are not a pyramid scam” speech, and the “we do not make commissions, we receive ‘thank you’s’ from the company” speech really convinced me.
Oh the lengths you marketers and advertisers will go through to get me to buy something.
I should know, I work in for an online company that sells pet products. And yes, you did win a spa day for you and your pet. Enjoy the do-it-yourself spa experience, where all your have to do is everything, and all we want from you is your money.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

If I Could Make It Go Away...

Events Disappear in Time

Check this out... they are claiming that what was once dreamed of in Star Trek and Back To The Future is now possible. Move over Doc Brown, here I come.

If you could go back and time and re-do one thing, what would it be? ... Oh where to begin ...

Once upon a time, I punched my brother in the back of the head.
Once upon a time, I let my son play with the crockpot.
Once upon a time, my baby sister fell off a chair.
Once upon a time, I drove drunk.
Once upon a time, my dad pulled the chair from underneath me and I cried.
Once upon a time, I turned down Philadelphia Magazine.

That was then, this is now...

Once upon a time, I met a boy at a barbeque. We fell in love. We got pregnant. We moved in together. We had a boy. We got engaged. And now we will live happily ever after.

No time travel needed.

"Some pages turned, some bridges burned, but there were lessons learned."

LOVE. Always and Forever. Me and My Boys.

Its Christmas in ... November? Something is off...

Why are we already starting to hear Christmas music on the radio ?

Thanksgiving has not even arrived yet!

I am not a scrooge.

I swear.

Although I do enjoy hearing NSYNC on the radio this time of the year - its the only time they ever get any exposure.

Did you know that Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block are going on tour together?
I want to know who is actually getting tickets to this show... and why!?!?
Wouldn't you rather spend money on someone who is new and hip and not washed up?
There's a reason they are all stuck in their boybands and not launching solo careers.

How did Justin Timberlake do it? ... Timberland?

Speaking of Timberlands... we are looking for little baby Timbs... best place to buy?


Talk about a rant.

LOVE. Always and Forever. Me and My Boys.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

150 days and counting

Today marks 150 days until our wedding!

Things to do...

Pull myself together
Get organized
Get my hot bikini bod back - HA!
DON'T get pregnant (shouldn't be a problem, but you just never know)
Find some money to pay for everything
Get counseling (from the preacher, of course)

Hmm.. anything else? Oh right...

Find something besides underwear for My Boys to wear in the wedding!

LOVE. Always and Forever. Me and My Boys.

Selling Your Sole In A New York Minute

From the unpublished archives...

Three days a week I walk ten blocks up Fashion Avenue from the New York Penn Station to my internship in Times Square. For a girl interested in ‘what’s hot and what’s not’ in the world of fashion, this is the ideal place to be. Here I can find the trendiest people in the country, all awake at the same time, dressed in their best professional outfits, dodging taxi cabs and buses as they cross the streets of New York. It’s an intriguing and uplifting experience.
As I observe and analyze the popular New York styles, I have found that it is without a doubt the shoes that make the outfit. For a woman in heels, the sidewalks of New York are a runway. The seas of people part as she struts the streets, moving her hips from left to right, head lifted and arms swinging. Recently in pop culture, this particular kind of walk has been deemed a switch. The switch is the eye-catcher, the model walk, the sexual movement of a beauty queen, and it can only be achieved with the heel.
In a surprisingly fresh New York moment, I noted a man wearing a neon yellow hat lounging at the corner of 38th Street. His lean against the newspaper bin put him at about 5’7, wearing torn jeans and an old tee-shirt. He and his cronies were gawking at the thousands of passer-bys, as many locals in New York do, cat-calling at all of the beautiful women rushing by. In this particular moment, though, he showed no sign of disrespect. Despite her wearing all white after Labor Day, a tall olive-skinned woman in a short skirt and sweater glided past sporting a white stiletto heel covered in dime-size red cherries. Her switch caught his attention. The man quickly removed his neon yellow hat and said, “Good morning miss,” as a true gentleman would. 
Marilyn Monroe once said, “I don’t know who invented the high heel, but all women owe him a lot.” Not only do heels make you taller, but they also appear to give women better posture, and slimmer and longer legs. They act as sexual illusions which appeal to a man and give women the confidence and self-assurance they need to be successful in the working world.
A survey conducted this past February in the UK showed that more than half of women ages 18 to 44 feel more confident in the workplace when wearing heels, and 18% of the women participating in the survey believed that wearing heels can have a positive effect on their work life, increasing their chances of promotion. The sexual connotation that goes along with heels may be a result of this confidence. In the survey, 79% had higher confidence when wearing heels out on the town as well. Are men giving more respect to women in heels, or just more attention? Some have suggested that you have to get their attention to earn their respect. 
There is a thin line between feminism and sexuality. The confident and commanding Secretary of State Condeleezza Rice recently turned heads when she arrived at Wiesbaden Army Airfield wearing sexy black high heeled boots. Robin Givhan, writer for the Washington Post, said “she walked out draped in a banner of authority, power and toughness. She was not hiding behind matronliness, androgyny or the stereotype of the steel magnolia. Rice brought her full self to the world stage -- and that included her sexuality.”
A woman in heels is dangerous, and there is power in danger. It has been said that some sororities haze their pledgers by wearing stiletto heels and stepping on their bare feet. Talk about pain. Just imagine a size 10 foot stomping a three-centimeter metal heel into your big toe. Maybe to simply say, if you can’t survive this, then you haven’t earned your right as a real woman in our sorority. In the 1992 movie Single White Female, a woman killed a man by throwing a stiletto shoe at him and hitting him in the eye. I’ve often felt that a kick in the balls with a high heeled shoe would be the ultimate revenge on an ex-boyfriend. However, lucky for them, I have yet to fulfill my fantasy.
I have recently found that the popularity of the power-thriving heel is diminishing with the new ballerinesque flats trend in an attempt for women to seek comfort and style all in one. On the streets of New York, the woman in flats is easily lost and trampled upon. She is just a woman slouching through the crowd. In Sienna during the 15th century, it was illegal for anyone other than prostitutes to wear flat shoes in public. Now, it seems, fashion has sold its soles, and retreated to slippers. Designer brands such as Marc Jacobs, Dior, Juicy Couture, and Dolce and Gabbana (to name just a few) have all quickly caught on. Clare Casey, sociology major at Columbia University, recently declared to New York Times fashion writer Alex Kuczynski that “the recent fad for young women to wear flats is about female disempowerment.”
The flats fad has made strong, powerful, Steven Madden wearing women into girls pirouetting down the streets of New York in MaryJanes. As with the loss of the glistening shoe in Cinderella, we have been sent back to our kitchens wearing nothing but our rags and flats with a long list of household chores.
It can be suggested that the flats fad has derived from popular manga, pornographic comic books which are widely distributed in the Asian culture. As with manga, the ‘wide-eyed innocence,’ as Casey would say, is still sexually appealing to men. The child-like daddy’s little girl sexuality is personified through recent fashion trends, including short, pleated skirts and flats. It’s the school-girl look. And nothing says ‘take advantage of me’ like a Catholic school-girl.
“In the workplace, like on the street, on a runway, at a party, different looks send different messages,” says Casey. “Teenage girl looks convey helplessness, while more vampy looks bespeak what might be read as defensive confidence… women’s fashion is a bit of a compromise.” Ultimately, you are what you wear.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The PEN15 Club

So, I've decided to write my first post about The Penis - yes, you read correctly - THE PENIS!

I don't know why this is such a sensitive word... penis. It's funny how all of the kids in middle school and high school always did the whole PEN15 club. It's funny how some kids never caught on. Don't you know you have PENIS written on your hand? Undoubtedly a club that will survive for years to come.

My son is 16 months old and has discovered his penis. Every time we change his diaper, he's either screaming or touching himself. I'm not sure I will ever understand this fascination.

The first time it happened, I was alarmed. (I think I will always be alarmed!) Every mother dreads the thought of her son being the 5 year old who is discovered jerking off in his bedroom. "Mommy - what's this stuff? It just shot out." I cringe as I write this. Oh the horror!

"No, No, No" I tell my son as he starts touching himself. He laughs. I smile knowing that I shouldn't.  One day he's gonna use this thing, impregnate a girl, and that will be the end of his football career. Or maybe his baseball career. He hasn't decided between the tee-ball and the football yet. But he does know how to say touchdown - and has yet to learn homerun. I'd say that's a good indicator.

The PENIS... his father laughs right along with him. I just don't get it. 

"Why are you letting him do that?"
"He's gonna do it anyway no matter what you say."

UGH. Please don't say that. Please take it back. That's my little baby boy.

Later I look over at my fiance, watching football, with his hands down his pants.
"What are you doing???"
"Scratching my balls."

Once a PEN15, Always a PEN15.

LOVE. Always and Forever. Me and My Boys.